Excerpt 3... Glossary of terms
(From Chapter 14 ‘The Kingdom of Fife’)
Footballing terminology can be confusing and unintelligible to the uninitiated though. The more poetic, colloquial or obscure terms and phrases are often lost on the ‘newbe’ fan and I feel moved at this point to present a helpful pocket guide to anyone looking to advance their footballing word-power towards that of a more experienced supporter. I would suggest novices attempt integrating the following into related conversation. Successful usage will undoubtedly project the image of a football veteran and as they say, practice does make perfect. Here are a few to be getting on with;
Handbags at dawn (phrase) – A low-level, insignificant contretemps between two opposing players, usually punished by the referee in a manner disproportionate to the seriousness of the flare-up in question. Sometimes referred to as ‘Handbags at ten paces’ or simply shortened to just ‘handbags’.
The channels (noun pl.) – A strange, mysterious non-specific area of the pitch where ‘knowledgeable’ managers insist the ball should be ‘fed’.
Man on! (phrase) - Standard alert to a player nano-seconds before being rear-ended by an opponent in a semi-sexual manner.
Early doors (phrase) – The initial stages of the game defined specifically in 1995 by an SFA Investigative Committee chaired by Ernie Walker as ‘the first seventeen and a half minutes of open play’. Usage – ‘He was pure mingin’ early doors but the lad has come on tae a right good game!’
A game of two halves (phrase) – Inexplicable scenario whereby your team are notable world-beaters in one half, scoring at least two goals in the process, then clumpy half-wits in the other, losing at least two goals.
A six-pointer (phrase) – A vital ‘must win’ game between two teams in close proximity to one another in the league table which, determinant on the final score, could result in a six-point swing relative to each teams position, the gain or loss in the season’s momentum, and a shed-load of fighting outside the ground.
Fan-dancer (noun) – A seldom effective player who, although prone to moments of skill ‘flatters to deceive’. Usually prefixed by irate fans with ‘Ya’ and the ‘F’ word. Not to be confused with a ‘Sand-Dancer who although possessing many similar attributes, has less mobility and slightly thicker ankles.
Flatters to deceive (phrase) – Well-loved phraseology, especially amongst older football supporters, inferring that a player’s overall impact on proceedings may not be as influential as his ‘flowery’ possession suggests.
Flowery (adj) – Like a flower.
Kepper (noun) – A non-threatening shot of minimal height and velocity which is easily collected by the goalkeeper. Often hit by a ‘Fan-dancer’.
Bunshin’ (verb) - The incidence whereby too many players of the one team inhabit the same, small, localised area of the pitch. Frequently compared unfavourably to the player positioning ‘in a kiddies’ game’ or ‘after five minutes in every Subbuteo match ever played’
The carpet (noun) – Slang terminology for the surface of the grass. In the eyes of every fan of every team, ‘on the carpet’ is their measured opinion of where the ball should be, giving their boys optimal opportunity to win the game. By stark contrast, ‘their boys’ on the park will frequently, in situations demanding that the ball be played ‘on the carpet’, resort to howfin’ the ball as long, hard and high as they can up the park. An act that persistently results in diminutive forwards being gang raped by tall, sturdy defenders and is certainly of little benefit to the objective of winning the game. Supporter frustration ensues.
Arsewinder (noun) - A potent strike of the ball with power and accuracy that if attempted too numerously in a game presumably affects the feeling in one’s anal region. Usage – ‘Send fur the ambulance, he’s been melted in the bawz by an arsewinder!’
Hot potato (noun) – Descriptive reference to the ball whilst held in possession of a team with limited confidence in their own ability to do something useful with it, individuals preferring to hand responsibility to other team-mates in a rash and nervous manner.
The Red Mist (phrase) – Mythical shroud of anger that is said to have ‘come doon’ over temperamental players who usually have an ongoing reputation for such behaviour. All self-control is lost with the affected player invariably punching, pushing, headbutting, gobbing on, or drawing the boot off, the subject of his annoyance. A red card will invariably follow.
Sitter (noun) – A chance in front of goal that is easier to score than miss. Notably more frequently used in terms of ‘missing a sitter’ than ‘scoring a sitter’. Understanding this fine distinction in usage is vital if the novice is to maintain an experienced and knowledgeable air.
To appear even more of a football aficionado one could also try other, less popular terms that have, unfortunately, very nearly fallen out of popular usage completely. Try using the following;
Fatulism – The feeling of absolute certainty that one’s team is about to buckle under extreme mounting pressure and concede a last-minute goal (particularly against Celtic)
Fectal – The mixed smell of sweat, Deep-heat and Right Guard Original that emanates from all football dressing rooms. Usage- ‘yon air was fectal.’
Scoober – A pie in which, on close inspection, the mince content has become separated from its surroundings in one solid ‘burger-like’ block.
Gebbled - The act of getting yellow ‘safety’ paint from the stand-stairs on one’s shoes and the back of one’s trousers. Usage- ‘Aww man ah’ve gebbled ma good trakkies!’
Jimmie-shooker – An extended bout of involuntary knee shaking, muscular spasm and chest tightening experienced by seated spectators after twenty-two minutes of watching play on a bitingly cold winter’s day.
Broadwood Jimmie-shooker – As above after three minutes.
Ragmush – A season ticket book that has been through the wash in the back pocket of a pair of jeans.
Shovney – A small pre-arranged pile of pound coins, held by the turnstile operator, representing the exact change of a £20 note paid over as entrance money.
A Clinget of Shovneys – Rows and columns of pre-arranged pound coins representing the exact change of £20 entrance money. Usage- “Hurry up man ahm missin the match!” - “Ahm doin’ ma best but ma clinget of shovneys has fallen intae a big pile an’ ahve lost ma coont.”
Johnson – A match official whose upper-body is disproportionate in size to the length and build of his legs.
Flitter – A collection of seven or more empty crisp pokes, paper cups and assorted debris blown on the park by the wind which then spends most if not all of the match being buffeted and spiralled collectively in a strange and hypnotic manner.
Strinkle – The half centimetre of urine absorbed by your shoe from the damp floor of the gent’s toilet.
Scunty – The non-committal angle the linesman points his flag indicating he has no idea which way to award a throw-in whilst awaiting the referee to make his decision for him.
Glour – The welcoming glow of a football stadium’s floodlights over the dark night sky as seen from a distance away. Usage “We must be near Brockville by now but I still cannae’ see the glour anywhere.”
Ramshamble – A supporter’s highly audible, irate and critical shout that fades off to nothing as the individual embarrassingly stutters and loses track of what he or she was trying to say in the first place.
Brogan – The act, particular to football players, of clearing one’s nostril passage of phlegm by blocking the other nostril with one’s index finger and blowing hard.
Moving-Brogan – A more accomplished version of above completed whilst running.
Cacky–Brogan – As above occurring when the offending phlegm does not disengage from the nose fully and attaches itself to the side of one’s face and down the inside of one’s arm.